Reports from the Capitol confirm that during his impeachment hearing, Donald Trump appeared to make a last-ditch effort by appealing to the nation’s Puritan values, shouting, “I saw Mitt Romney with the Devil himself!”
“I saw that schmuck with the Devil, believe me. I was nowhere near him and definitely not involved in what he was doing, but I saw him,” said the former president. “I bet he got that congress lady from New York to help him. Hecuba? Alexandria?”
Some have speculated that Trump’s accusations, while far-fetched, may have some truth to them. Certain Democratic members of the Senate have also begun questioning whether their closest colleagues were in alliance with demonic forces.
When his own lack of spiritual virtue was questioned, Trump desperately appealed to other religious members of his circle asking, “What say you, Goody Pence? Do you think Romney a godly man?”
At press time, lawyers representing Donald Trump were seen tying rocks to Senator Romney’s feet and preparing to push him into the nearest body of water.