March Madness To Be Depressingly Accurate This Year

A riot surrounding a burning car. People look excited and are embracing chaos.

Experts predict that March Madness, the term typically reserved for the NCAA basketball tournament, will unfortunately apply to the actual month this year.

“Usually March is a fun time with a bunch of crazy college basketball games,” said epidemiologist Stewart Hudson, “But this year we expect all of March to be depressingly and indiscriminately mad.”

With or without college basketball games, experts are expecting to see, at the very least, a continuation of high COVID-19 infection rates, “a catastrophic natural disaster, or two,” and the death of a beloved celebrity.

“You know all those things that make you say ‘This year was the worst’ at New Year’s? That’s all going to happen in March,” said public health expert Natasha Riley. “It is going to be 31 days of abject madness.”

Many in Ann Arbor and across the country have expressed fear for what might happen in the third month of 2021, including senior engineering student Erica Greentree.

“I don’t even know what’s going to happen, but I’m feeling the overwhelming urge to build some sort of a shelter and stock up on tissues,” said Greentree, staring at a calendar with unfiltered terror. “I just have this inkling that March is going to be crazy and I don’t think I’m ready for it.”

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