Following his recent announcement that every adult in America will be able to be vaccinated by May, President Joe Biden has reportedly been reaffirming himself in his bathroom mirror each morning.
“Everyone WILL get a vaccine. You can do this, Joe. Who’s the man? You are. You’re the chief now. The commander- in-chief, for cryin’ out loud,” said the 46th president straining incredulously in the mirror.
“The vaccine distribution process has been so tenuous, I don’t blame him for wanting to be extra sure of himself,” reported First Lady Jill Biden. “The campaign trail took a toll on his self-esteem, so I’m glad to see he’s working on his positive self-talk.”
Biden staffers report finding torn-out journal pages reading “Joe Biden Will Get America 200 Million Vaccines By May,” all around the floor of Oval Office.
The president allegedly followed the mantra up by taking three deep breaths and “power posing” with his hands on his hips for five minutes. One White House official claimed that the practices “remind President Biden that he is an independent, self-empowered boss.”
At press time, Biden was seen burning a yellow candle at his aspiration altar, symbolizing his intention to exude confidence in all matters pertaining to domestic policy.