We’ve all been there: you move into a new place and realize there are no curtains for your bedroom window and you can’t go to Target to get some since that one checkout attendant you thought was cute that saw you buying prescription-strength hemorrhoid cream and you can’t go back to face them. Here are seven pitfalls of your inability to cover your business.
7. The time you logged onto a Zoom call and just left
Believe me, I understand that work during the pandemic is stressful and everyone needs a little stay-cation every now and then, so this is just between you and me this time. Be careful though, next time I might have to call your boss.
6. That time you wore a swim suit as underwear thinking no one would notice (I did)
Laundry can be such a hassle! Some days I just can’t even which is why this moment is so #relatable but also #embarrassing. Maybe you would’ve gotten away with it if the entire block hadn’t seen you put your Wrangler jeans over your hawaiian themed swimsuit. You keep doing you…as long as you get some real underwear.
5. That time you were practicing your break dancing moves
Did we just step into a time machine and go back to 2006? That’s what it feels like because this was the night you got wine drunk and watched Step Up on Hulu and then thought, “Yeah I could do that.” Let me be the first to tell you that you most certainly cannot, but good for you for trying. Speaking of dancing…
4. That time you recreated the Buffalo Bill dance scene from Silence of the Lambs
Would you fuck me? I would.
3. That time you covered your room in lit candles and drew a pentagram on the floor
Now I’m all for redecorating and making the mood a little steamy, but, call me old fashioned, I usually like some privacy especially when making a deal with Satan himself. But you do you!
2. That time you murdered your lover in the throes of passion
Believe me, I understand that work during the pandemic is stressful and everyone needs a little stay-cation every now and then, so this is just between you and me this time. Be careful though, next time I might have to call your boss.
1. Quirky alert! That time you ate an entire tube of cookie dough by yourself!
So it’s a Friday night and you’ve just murdered your partner as a blood sacrifice for the dark prince Lucifer and you need to unwind and relax. We’ve all been there. If you’re gonna bust out some Lofthouse and cry on your bed, be careful because I saw you eat the whole tube while crying and then go to the bathroom to throw it up so you might be allergic to it. Maybe just invest in some curtains.
