It’s time to say what we’re all thinking: Justin Timberlake is disgusting. He’s a menace to society, and the world would be a better place if he spontaneously became violently ill every now and then just for the sake of him suffering. Unfortunately, it seems like I’m the only one doing anything productive about it: Here are seven times I tried to make Justin Timberlake physically ill by thinking negative thoughts about him, ranked by how successful I was.
7. The MTV Music Awards, 2001
This was the first time I really tried making Justin Timberlake physically ill by thinking negative thoughts about him, and it was a colossal failure. I set up my yoga mat, sat in front of the TV, and thought “Justin Timberlake will now feel profoundly physically ill” over and over again, but nothing happened. That was the performance that really helped NSYNC blow up, too. This failure haunts me to this day.
6. The 46th Annual Grammy Awards
2003 was a pretty busy year for me, Justin-Timberlake-sickness-causing-wise. He’d just broken up with Britney Spears a few months ago and would not stop going on every talk show in America to talk trash about her, all as a cover to promote his own album. I’ll admit I’d been on a cold streak at the time, but I really thought my new mantra of “Justin Timberlake will now suffer from a spontaneous and prolonged bout of Irritable Bowel Syndrome” would work better than it did. To make things worse, he actually won a couple Grammys this time. Disgusting.
5. “The Social Network” Premiere
I guess I should’ve seen this one coming, since they’d already filmed the movie, but still, I thought I might be able to have some kind of psychic impact on at least the audience reaction. Nope. Justin hooks up a girl who’s way too cool for him, and there isn’t a single shot of him coming down with a sudden and violent digestive bug. He even goes to the bathroom like, four times, not to mention his character drinks in almost every scene. Still, I’m giving myself credit for it losing Best Picture.
4. March 17th, 2009
Justin wasn’t on TV or anything, so we don’t really have any way of knowing whether this worked or not. Still, I was feeling pretty good, and I had a great mantra: “Double, double, toil and trouble, Justin Timberlake will be infected with the H1N1 Swine Flu.” I have no way of knowing, but for some reason I can’t explain, I’m sure that it worked. And I mean, we don’t know that he didn’t get sick, right?
3. The Super Bowl XXXVIII Halftime Show
After three long years, this was the first real sign of success I had in making Justin Timberlake physically ill by thinking negative thoughts about him. I remember staring at him on my TV, shout-thinking “YOU WILL FEEL SUDDEN STOMACH PAIN NOW” as loud as I could. And then, for one brief moment, he did. Too bad it was right when he had his hand on Janet Jackson’s shoulder. He recoiled, her nipple popped out, and somehow she got blamed for the whole thing, even though it was totally his fault for being such a disgusting pig.
2. All-New Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Episode 77, 1992
I know I said that one NSYNC performance was my first attempt, but I wasn’t really counting this, because I was still a child. In fact, I was only a little older than Justin, who at that time was the newest Mouseketeer. I didn’t even know who he was until I showed up with my mom to be in the live studio audience. I hated him as soon as I saw him, and so I just started thinking “Man, I really hope that kid pees his pants, or throws up or something.” A couple minutes into the taping, he did both in rapid succession. I couldn’t believe my power. They edited that part out of the final episode, but I still had the satisfaction of knowing the sheer embarrassment and emotional pain I’d caused him that must’ve haunted him for years to come.
1. A Chance Encounter at the “Java Bean” Coffee Shop in Downtown Los Angeles
A day for the record books. I was visiting my aunt in LA when we ran into Justin in the local coffee shop. This was around summer 2005, and so I was well-practiced enough to immediately break into a mental chant of “Justin Timberlake, may you now and forever be struck with symptoms including severe bowel problems and rampant nausea.” Pretty much right after he sipped his coffee, he sprinted to the bathroom to vomit. Lucky for me, he left the door open a little, so I could see him, and then I turned to the restaurant and shouted, “Hey, everybody Justin Timberlake is in here throwing up like an idiot. What a loser!” Everybody cheered and laughed at him. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.