Area Man Insists All Encompassing Love For God Completely Platonic

A young man on a church pew with a sour look on his face

Reports confirm that despite area man Tyler Lucero’s previous assertions on social media that his love for God exceeds all bounds, he recently insisted that this bond is completely platonic.

A Facebook post by Lucero states that his devotion to the Lord Almighty was rooted in “the deepest affection.” However, Lucero explained in a lengthy follow-up post this past Friday that what he meant to say was “the deepest affection in all areas that are not romantic.”

“The love I have for our Father is undying. He lives within every part of my body, from my toes to the tiniest hairs on my head,” wrote Lucero in another post. However, Lucero recently typed a clarifying comment beneath the post, reading, “EXCLUDING THE PENIS!!!”

Clergy leaders at Rock
of Eternity Parish, Lucero’s
church, were also allegedly
compelled to clear up
misconceptions about what
it means to truly love God.

Pastor Felix Westerson stated, “When we say we admire everything about God, what we mean to say is that we admire everything about his spirit. We are not, repeat, we are not, looking to kiss nor date nor procreate with the Mighty Creator”.

The following Sunday, the Heavenly Father appeared in a Theophany during Mass to say, “Whatever. I only thought of y’all as friends, too.”

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