DPSS Crime Alert Acting Like It Wants You To Do Something About It

Hornbach allegedly eyed the next five people he saw suspiciously before forgetting what he was doing.

Junior Matt Hornbach was startled last Tuesday when he received a DPSS Crime Alert email letting him know a crime had occurred in a tone that sounded as though DPSS was calling on him to do something about it.

The alert, which read, “Man spotted running down Packard St. after an attempted armed robbery. Suspect is a 5’9” brunette male, deemed to be dangerous and still at large,” was deemed by many to have a tone implying students should join the chase.

“This definitely sounds like they want me to do something about it. Why else would they even send this? There’s a criminal in my neighborhood just running around, and they’re letting me know so I can go track him down,” Hornbach remarked. “I’m gonna get all my roommates together, we’ll grab some baseball bats and a printed out copy of this alert, and go get this guy.”

DPSS officer Darren Sharpe commented “I’m not saying we expect students to see a DPSS crime alert email, drop what they’re doing, and go find the son of a bitch, but I’m also not saying that wouldn’t be effective.”

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