After learning of the horrors of deforestation currently occurring in the Amazon, environmental studies major Max Greentree has changed the name of his famous jungle juice recipe to “Big Alcohol Pipeline.”
“I want my drink to fit with the times,” said Greentree. “To continue to call it jungle juice when there are no more jungles makes no sense. The drink needs a rebrand.”
“Honestly, I love the rebrand,” said Greentree’s roommate Dan Markston. “Max’s big alcohol pipeline efficiently delivers copious amounts of alcohol to my body and assaults my liver with the ferocity of an oil spill in the ocean.”
The new drink comes in an ominous black color and stains every surface on which it is spilled. Additionally, rather than being served in the traditional cooler or punch bowl, this new black sludge can only be served in a used gas canister.
“The redesign really brings home the point,” said Markston. “And rather than taking a cup, there’s just one giant straw, a pipeline if you will, that everyone drinks it out of.”
At press time, Greentree was heating the canister on the stove to replicate global warming.