Reports confirm that after scrolling on Instagram for a few hours, local man Steve Johnson reached the unhappy conclusion that everybody is kung fu fighting except for him.
“Post after post, story after story, I see pictures of my friends kung fu fighting,” said Johnson. “When did everybody start doing this? Did I miss a memo or something?”
Johnson’s friends noted that his ignorance of the sport’s popularity is “a little bit frightening,” and that Johnson lacks the “expert timing” required to stay on top of changes in popular culture.
“So everybody has lightning fast kicks now but me? That’s literally so unfair,” said Johnson.
Johnson also reportedly broke down into tears after seeing a picture of his classmate executing a perfect side kick over a beautiful beach background.
“Even if I started kung fu fighting now, I would never look as cool as this guy,” said Johnson through sobs. “Like what would I even do? Post pictures of myself punching the air in my basement? It feels like everyone knows their part about this ancient Chinese art except for me!”
At press time, Johnson was seen browsing Facebook, muttering that it seemed like everybody wanted to rule the world but him.