Michigan Prepares Statement Blaming Students For School-Sanctioned Superspreader Event

The statement simultaneously congratulates and condemns students for the act of graduating.

In preparation for the May 1st commencement ceremony, for which graduating students are encouraged to be present at a class-wide watch party in the Big House, U of M officials have drafted a statement in which they will hold attendees responsible for the inevitable spike in COVID-19 cases.

“Showing up to an event with such super-spreader potential is incredibly irresponsible,” explained University president Mark Schlissel, a proponent of the in-person graduation celebration. “When we see those cases start to rise through early May, the University will do the right thing by making students take accountability for their carelessness.”

An anonymous member of the ceremony’s planning committee elaborated on the president’s sentiments: “When we said that we would open the Big House to these students, we made sure they knew they had to wear masks. Beyond that, there’s really nothing that we, as an institution, can do to protect them from the risks that the event poses.”

Administrators have put a plan in place to stop the event from getting too rowdy. Despite having invited an estimated 7800 students to the commencement viewing party, they intend on calling DPSS as soon as the attendance surpasses 25.

At press time, Mark Schlissel was seen practicing his “disappointed president” face in the mirror.

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