Recent reports have suggested that the Michigan Union Tower is just three secret societies standing on top of each other in a trench coat.
The suspicion comes after two out of Michigan’s three secret societies disbanded, and the Union Tower subsequently became “noticeably shorter.” Students suspect that these two secret societies got tired of being on the bottom and middle of the stack, respectively.
“Those are the worst positions in a trench coat stack,” said senior Maddy Blum. “I don’t tend to speculate, but I’d say Phoenix was in the middle. They don’t seem like the top spot type.”
University leaders reassured students that the Union Tower is not three secret societies in a trench coat, and additionally, that President Mark Schlissel is not six gophers in a suit.
“The Union Tower is not three secret societies in a trench coat,” said University administrator Justin Marcus. “I’ve heard the rumors. The Union renovations were not done for the purpose of shuffling around the secret societies because the one on the bottom had sore shoulders.”
At press time, the now-short Union Tower was seen looking for more student orgs to hold it up.