NHL Implements New Rule Stating That All Fights Must Be Resolved By Kissing

Hockey Players Kissing
Reports indicate that being sent to the penalty box will be renamed “seven minutes in heaven.”

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has recently announced a rule change that will require players to end all fights with a kiss.

Players could face multi-week suspensions, or even season-long, and very large fines if they fail to go in for that big ol’ smooch. Kisses must be delivered on the lips with eyes closed in order to avoid penalization for the fight. Whether tongue should be used or not is determined by the length of the fight.

“Fights, while pretty darn cool to watch, have negative impacts on our players health,” said Bettman. “We want to discourage fights, but also give the fans a little something extra when a fight does break out.”

“You think this is gonna stop me from fighting? Well pucker up, bitch,” said Ottawa Senators left wing Austin Watson, the current NHL leader in fights this season. “I’m gonna turn the penalty box into a kissing booth.”

“These other teams haven’t seen the kind of tonsil hockey I can play.” said Nashville Predators right wing Viktor Arvidsson. “If they knock out a tooth or anything, I’ll make sure it’s extra slobbery.”

After word of the rule change got out, the Detroit Red Wings were seen practicing the gentle cheek caress.

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