Report: COVID Spit Tests Know What You Did Last Night

A packaged covid test, unopened

Students throughout the University are reportedly feeling increasingly targeted by COVID spit test results that “seem to know a lot more than whether or not they have the virus.” 

“I got my results back and it didn’t even say if I was positive or negative,” said LSA Sophomore Tracey Jenson. “It just said ‘you dirty rascal’ with a winky face.”

Jenson’s results were part of a larger pattern of sassy results sent back to COVID test-takers. 

“I got a COVID test the morning after a particularly debaucherous night out,” said Ross senior Lindsey Mueller. “My results said, ‘Thought you were going out for only one drink, huh? Dumbass.’” 

Junior economics major Elliot Walston said, “I got my test back and I saw bright red letters, and at first I was worried I tested positive. But then I read the result and it said, ‘Good lord, man. Brush your teeth!” 

Test administrators had previously only instructed students to refrain from eating or drinking within 30 minutes of taking the test. Now, they are asking that students refrain from making any ill-advised decisions in the 24 hours before testing.

“We think the lab hired some new techs and they’ve clearly been going through a rough patch recently,” commented President Mark Schlissel, whose own test results accused him of eating written complaints sent by students. “Unless you want to get absolutely roasted, and have your self-esteem completely robbed by some sassy lab tech, just make some smart decisions when you have a test coming up.” 

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