University officials have confirmed that the ResponsiBLUE app will now, along with COVID safety checklists, begin asking condescending questions about all of students’ past mistakes.
“We think that the app is a good way to offer students a chance for some self-reflection,” said President Mark Schlissel. “College is a time where students make a lot of mistakes, but that doesn’t mean a little judgement wouldn’t help.”
“I opened up ResponsiBLUE this morning after going out last night, and the app just asked me why I’m such a liability to my loved ones and if my friends actually like me or are just placating me so they feel less lonely,” said sophomore Liam Devons. “Like damn, ResponsiBLUE. I just wanted to get a soda from the Angell Hall vending machines.”
Some examples of the app’s new prompts include: “Should you have slept with that person?”, “Did you really need to go out tonight?”, and “Why have you ordered so much feta bread in the last 10 days?”
“We’re also changing the interface so that when students test negative, there will just be a gif of a sarcastic applause, because we all know that nobody’s that perfect,” said President Schlissel.
At press time, the app was programmed to heavily imply students were letting their families down and would never live up to their father’s expectations.