The United States Military has occupied the University of Michigan as part of their decades-long pro-democracy lecture series.
General Robert Williams has cited the series as “necessary to the advancement of our interests—and theirs, of course,” while also forcing President Schlissel off campus for his “inability to hold a lecture series like we do, that fuck.” General Williams claimed to be planning the installment of Ron Weiser for his “astute mental capacities and fierce loyalty to democracy.”
Junior Alice Anderson was shocked at the aggressive tactics of the military. “I thought they were here for our own good, talking about voting and stuff, but I’m starting to think they’re just using us,” she said. “They keep patrolling the Diag asking where the commies are.”
At press time, officers were seen extracting various natural resources from University property as payment for their visitation.