Campus Connector Replaced With Pedal Pub

A empty pedal pub car
Freshmen have claimed the pedal pubs have allowed them to quickly make up two facets of the college experience at once: riding Blue Buses and getting hammered.

Sources have reported thatthe University of Michigan’s Department of Transportation has replaced the Campus Connector bus route with a new system made entirely of man-powered pedal pubs.

“Our bus driver labor shortage has led to long bus wait times and overcrowding on our Campus Connector route, so we knew we had to come up with a more efficient, COVID-safe, and community-based solution,” said John Garcia, head of U-M’s Department of Transportation. “We thought, why not just buy 30 pedal pubs and have students propel themselves between campuses?”

With the pedal pub bars fully stocked, many students say that the “Bacchanalian journey” between campuses is a major
improvement over the old routes.

“Campus Connector was so overcrowded that I couldn’t stay socially distanced from my peers,” said Engineering sophomore Luke Harris, “Now I can safely sit al fresco and pound beers on my way to Stats 250.”

Though some students have complained about the pedal pub’s slow speed, most say they are “too blitzed to care.” LSA freshman Kayla Adams said, “It takes triple the time to get to CCTC from Bursley, but at least I’m getting slizzard on the University’s dime.”

At press time, the Department of Transportation announced that the Oxford-Markley route will be replaced with Boobers.

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