Fake Plant Releasing Real Toxins

Woman setting up potted fake plant in living room
“It’s worth it if it’s cute,” reported Sullivan upon first opening the Amazon package.

Sarah Sullivan, 26, is reporting this week that her “fake plant is releasing real toxins.”

Sullivan reportedly bought the plastic plant on Amazon to give her apartment a “natural, leafy vibe,” but she soon began to experience nausea, disorientation, and difficulty breathing. After collecting air samples from her apartment, the Washtenaw County Health Department identified the culprit and impounded the plant.

“Sarah’s apartment had high readings of PVC, BPA, PFAS, and phthalates,” said health examiner Lisa Nguyen, “all of which we think were released by her fake plant. That faux Dracaena was out for blood.”

Sullivan has since made a full recovery but was disappointed to see her fake plant go, “It was a nice addition to my room while still being so low maintenance,” said Sullivan,“I can never keep real plants alive. I guess this is revenge?”

Local biologist Dan Hampton weighed in on what he thought were the fake plant’s motives: “It’s a crazy world out there,” said Hampton, “Dog-eat-dog. Either you kill your real plants or a fake plant kills you.”

At press time, the plant had dissolved into a puddle of toxic sludge in the basement of the Health Department and was slowly melting through the building’s foundation.

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