Many parents have recently begun refusing to buy puppets for their children, claiming that puppets have set “unrealistic beauty standards” for children about how gaping their holes should be.
“Just like Barbie’s tiny waist puts pressure on girls to be thin, puppets set unachievable expectations that kids should have enormous, monstrous, cavernous orifices that someone could fit their whole fist inside of.” reports Cidney Marshall, a concerned mother of three.
The puppet industry has faced a steady decline in sales. Research shows this has nothing to do with toy technological advances, but everything to do with the disgust parents feel towards puppets’ vast body tubes.
Johnny Isly, a puppeteer working at Sesame Street, claims, “Sure many people are self conscious about their arseholes being too small, but some people are self conscious about their arseholes being too big. Puppets at least make those people feel better.”
At press time, Marshall’s kids were seen attempting to use each other as puppets, but to no avail.