Both the religious and secular worlds were reportedly shocked this week after a Stanford University study concluded that humans do not possess free will after over 60,000 test subjects all danced in compliance to the “Cha Cha Slide.”
“The tests consisted of over 60,000 subjects. We placed our subjects alone in a room and played the DJ Casper hit. Of those, 40,567 subjects’ eyes glossed over as soon as they were told this time they’d ‘get funky,’” said lead researcher Timothy Majors.
“Thirty-nine percent of subjects were able to resist the urge to ‘clap, clap, clap’ their hands. After the first ‘Cha Cha now, y’all’, however, every single test subject began lifelessly flopping like marionettes,” Majors added.
The study’s findings were met with intense backlash, especially from religious groups. “God gave us free will to make our own decisions. DJ Casper has no control over my soul,” said Joshua Sanders from the charity Diocese Introducing Catholic Knowledge.
At press time, Majors was seeking funding for research to see if his data could be replicated using the “Cupid Shuffle.”
