Toothless Accountant Unable To Crunch Numbers

Frustrated accountant with no teeth mad at his laptop.
Goeke claims that his inability to eat solid food won’t hinder his performance.

Local accountant Craig Goeke has recently found himself “unable to crunch numbers anymore,” after losing all his teeth in an accident last week.

“My job used to be such a breeze,” commented Goeke, through his soft, toothless gums. “All day, I’d just sit and crunch the numbers. They pretty much crunched themselves.” But ever since a stray horse kicked his jaw and set loose every one of his teeth, “it’s like they’re just too crunchy and they make my gums bleed. I can’t do it.”

“In the span of a week, I’ve gone from having a great career and an insatiable love for Doritos, roasted nuts, and English toffee, to no longer having any of them,” he continued, swirling a dinner smoothie around in his glass and looking confused at the Excel spreadsheet on his monitor. “When I lost the skill to crunch a bag of Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies, so too went my skill to crunch numbers.”

Others in the office have noticed the lag in Goeke’s performance, with one coworker Caroline Williams remarking, “Craig’s been slowing down as of late. He can’t really talk, eat anything that’s not super soft, or crunch a single number these days. He’s all down in the dumps, and it’s pretty tough to watch.”

At press time, Goeke was spotted shopping for dentures and a new calculator.

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