University Blames COVID Numbers On Students For Seizing Opportunities Given To Them By University

Overhead shot of a very filled Big House at night. Michigan logo is visible
Schlissel claims that students “irresponsibly taking the bus to class” has led to the increase in cases.

In his weekly COVID-19 Briefing on Friday, President Mark Schlissel explained the driving force behind the increase in infections was “students doing things the University’s policies allow them to do.”

Schlissel gave the example of the September home football games, which all had over 100,000 individuals in attendance. “We thought just making cute little ‘block M’ masks would encourage more students to abide.”

Schlissel elaborated saying, “we could have never guessed that putting tens of thousands of drunk students out in the sun would mean not all of them would be masked.”

Provost Susan Collins expressed that she was “deeply confident” in the University’s COVID policies. “We know from our research that COVID spreads when students are confined to crowded indoor spaces, such as buses, classrooms, or common areas,” explained Collins in a recent statement. “So it would be really great if students just avoided those in general.”

At press time, Mark Schlissel and Susan Collins were seen turning a blind eye to the dozens of frat parties occurring on Hill Street.

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