University Counselor Kinda Hoping Student Has Really Fucked-Up Life, Just To Spice Things Up

A university counselor speaking to a student.
Smart was seen crossing her fingers for a juicy legal battle story after a student alluded to their parents’ divorce.

This past Monday, CAPS counselor Tabitha Smart admitted that she was “kinda hoping [her] 4:30 slot was going through it” just so she could “spice things up for once.” 

A licensed social worker and self-identified “messy bitch,” Smart indicated that, while she has no desire for University of Michigan students to suffer from mental health issues, hearing about their issues does “make her day a little more interesting.” 

“It’s not like I’m happy when a kid comes in with some real fucked-up shit to talk about,” said Smart. “But it is a tiny bit more fun than when they’re just stressed about homework or whatever.” 

Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) released a statement about Smart’s apparently cavalier attitude toward her job: “We at CAPS value each of our students and take everyone’s mental health needs equally seriously. But, you gotta admit, you’d rather hear about a patient’s sordid love affairs and out-of-control partying than their study habits.” 

At press time, Smart was seen yawning while a student discussed his anxiety for upcoming exams. 

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