Area Paper Cut Victim Chooses To Amputate

Bandaged finger with a paper cut.
O’Malley is amputating because she “can’t think of any other way to stop this.”

Local woman Lisa O’Malley had suffered another paper cut two days ago and has now decided to amputate.

After having to undergo care for multiple wounds in a one-week span, O’Malley just couldn’t take it anymore. “My recovery time for the first finger was a lot longer than I thought,” she explained. “It really took all my willpower to work through that second paper cut and I had nothing left in the tank when I sliced that third finger.”

In order to avoid any further disasters, O’Malley reportedly had both of her hands chopped off. “I’m never going to have to deal with this kind of trauma in my life ever again.”

“Whenever I cut myself as a child, my dad would always tell me I had no choice but to amputate and I would power through the pain and hang onto my limb,” commented O’Malley. “Now I understand the depth of his wisdom.”

When asked if there was any advice she had to offer to other paper cut victims, O’Malley responded, “Amputate early and often. There’s no shame whatsoever in sacrificing a limb or two for a lifetime of relief.”

At press time, O’Malley was promoting a cure for paper cuts that she calls “preventative amputation.”

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