Democrats Drop Free Community College Plan, Promise Green Beans To Make You More Smarter

President Biden standing at a podium with several cans of green beans
“Carrots to help you read better” were reportedly scrapped from the plan during negotiations.

In a press conference held last night, Biden confirmed that Americans won’t be receiving access to free community college, but instead will be “sent vouchers for various cognition-enhancing vegetables.” 

“I just like greens, personally. Vegetables saved my noggin back in ‘98. Especially peas,” said Biden after being asked whether free college would return to the Democratic platform in 2024.

With this plan, Biden claims, “I’m being told that just one package of green beans can increase the size of the frontal lobe of up to three children. And every green bean has peas inside it, so you could say it’s kind of a ‘two-fer.’”

The platform switch was not without criticism. One journalist at the conference asked Biden whether he felt there was any hypocrisy in the shift, to which Biden replied, “Free community college won’t be on the table anymore, but our most beloved vegetables will be on every middle school lunch table in America. Kids can go to trade school or something.”

The Vice President was unable to appear at the conference, but at press time the White House press secretary reported that Harris had just eaten “so much spinach her brain hurted.”

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