Schlissel Issues Annual Pardon Of South Quad Turkey Burger

President Schlissel pardoning a turkey burger.
The turkey burger will allegedly have access to wide fields on which to graze on North Campus.

Ahead of the upcoming Thanksgiving break, University President Mark Schlissel has issued his annual pardon of a South Quad dining hall turkey burger. 

“It’s all in good fun,” said Schlissel. “I like to bring the presidential tradition down to the University level.” 

Instead of being left as a choice for diners to eat, the turkey burger was spared from being on the menu. According to witnesses, the selected burger, plated with curly fries, expressed “silent gratitude for the awarded mercy.” 

The pardoning event was held outside the South Quad dining hall, with the audience being composed largely of the 6 p.m. dinner rush line. Freshman Alexa Evans, who unwillingly attended, described it as “kinda sad.” 

“The whole thing lasted maybe five minutes,” said Evans, “He made it seem like some big deal, but I honestly don’t know a single person who would even eat one of the turkey burgers anyway.” 

At press time, the pardoned burger was reportedly enjoying the rest of its days in a sanctuary located within North Campus. 

Related News