After missing almost every bet for the third night in the week, area man Jakob Pansky has reportedly kicked his gambling addiction for bigger and better things.
“I was feeling pretty down,” Panksy explained. “Pretty much anything I could have done at that point would have been better than placing another bet, so I tried cigarettes.”
Reportedly convinced that making the switch was the right decision for him, Pansky thinks he can “turn over a new tobacco-flavored leaf.”
“I’m never going back. This just feels so much healthier,” Pansky said. “The satisfaction is so much more consistent too. It’s also a lot less effort, and it’s never let me down. I think it’s really going to save my life.”
However, his best friend, Arnold Simpson, is allegedly less than pleased. “Betting against him was an absolute cash cow,” Simpson grumbled. “I was really hoping he wouldn’t quit.”
“I’m still blown away by how easy it was,” Panksy marveled. “I feel like a new man. I’ve stopped having to deal with those post-gambling headaches and don’t feel the urge anymore to immediately place a bet after the adrenaline wears off. It’s really changed my life.”
At press time, Panksy was seen attempting to parlay his newfound nicotine addiction with marijuana.