Multiple eyewitness accounts recently reported that before a screening of Ghostbusters: Afterlife this Sunday, area man Michael Durden was seen silencing his phone as if “anyone was actually going to bother texting him in the first place.”
“At first I thought he was just checking his email,” said Durden’s friend Elizabeth Richards. Richards explained the reason Durden’s actions came as a surprise was because “all of his friends were with him in the theatre, and I know for a fact that man gets absolutely zero pussy.”
“Maybe he was expecting a call from his mom or something? I think he’s really close with her, or something. Or maybe she’s just old? I’m not really sure,” guessed friend Frank Meyer.
In response, Durden explained that he “in fact gets a lot of messages on his phone” that are related to both his work and personal life. When asked to name someone he was currently talking to right now, Durden excitedly tried to display his phone screen before realizing the only notifications were for DoorDash and the New York Times.
At press time, Durden was seen excitedly checking a Snapchat notification on his phone, only to find it was from Team Snapchat.