Ann Arbor landlord Dave Bedford was reportedly “befuddled” this past week as to why his new velvet hat and golden scepter have been causing his tenants to resent him.
“I bought the velvet hat and scepter as a well-intentioned sign of my rank and nobility, but I feel like the peasants —I mean, renters— don’t like me,” said Bedford. “Now I’m worried that I won’t profit enough this year to prove to my dead landlord father that I’m a man.”
Lena Applegate, a student living in one of Bedford’s properties, was one of those unhappy with the latest development in her landlord’s image: “First it was signing his texts with ‘His Excellency Dave,’ then it was the paranoid monologuing about the properties he thought were gonna ‘turn on him,’ and now it’s this hat and scepter shit… Just fix my fucking dryer, man.”
Sources also reported a light humming sound and glowing white light emanating from the scepter.
“I saw him out in my backyard waving that thing at my gas meter,” said tenant Daniel Wheeler, “I thought he was checking my usage, but now my stove doesn’t work. I texted him about it, and he told me not to trifle with the black arts and that he would send a guy out to fix it in the next couple months.”
At press time, students said Bedford was “looking upon the Union courtyard, brooding over the fate of his kingdom.”