Mark Schlissel Reveals Pfizer Innovations Played Major Role In Campus COVID Decisions

Mark Schlissel edited to holding container of Viagra while standing at podium
Schlissel reported feeling grateful for the medicine's FDA approval.

Former President Mark Schlissel revealed that Pfizer’s scientific innovations, namely, the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra, played a major role in his decisions related to the University of Michigan’s COVID-19 response. 

In a recent message to the university community, Schlissel admitted to being under the influence of Pfizer’s Viagra drug for several years, attributing his heavy usage to a desire to engage in a relationship with a subordinate. He praised Pfizer for the development of a “miracle drug”.

“The results delivered by this medicine have been extremely promising and gave me optimism for an in-person semester, said Schlissel. “Even those 60+ can live full, promiscuous lives. Pfizer’s role in returning things to normal cannot be overlooked.” 

Schlissel alleges that his consumption of the drug improved interdepartmental relations.

“I approached this semester with the belief that all bosses and employees of the university should work together to prioritize public health,” said Schlissel. “I truly believe that Viagra had a role in fostering that collaborative spirit.”

“The effects of Viagra can be all-consuming,” he continued. “I do admit that drafting my pandemic policies while in a Viagra-induced sexual stupor was not in the best interest of the university. However, playas gotta play.”

Faculty and students alike have criticized Schlissel’s pandemic leadership, and say his negligence was evident. “Mark Schlissel clearly cared more about jaunts to Paris and raunchy poems than the welfare of our students during this pandemic,” said LSA professor Lisa Campbell. “Maybe we would actually have a plan had he been thinking with his head rather than his dick.”

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