Report: Russia Threatening To Become Relevant Again

Group of Russian soldiers marching
Russia had also threatened "getting the band back together" by reuniting the Soviet states.

Amid rising tensions in Eastern Europe, Russia has been reportedly threatening the Western world by once again becoming relevant.

The former Soviet state has been threatening to invade Ukraine, while numerous celebrity gossip columnists point out that this is “just a publicity stunt designed to shore up Russia’s career.”

“We’re worried that Russia’s flop era is ending,” commented White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki. “Next thing you know, they’ll be deleting all their Instagram posts.”

NATO has reportedly been very concerned about this development as rumors continue to build that the strategic alliance is planning on a stunt equally pointless and attention-seeking.

“We have to do something,” says Russia’s President Vladimir Putin. “Russia was beginning to slip out of the public consciousness. We just can’t accept our legacy only being vodka and bears on unicycles.”

At press time, US military officials were seen dusting off Cold War-era nuclear equipment to see if the batteries still worked.

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