Global Deforestation Making Beavers Lazy

Sleeping beavers with photoshopped blanket and tissues
“What happened to the days when a hardworking beaver would buckle down and build a home for his family?” asked researchers.

A recently released report by National Geographic states that the recent increase of global deforestation is “making beavers lazy.”

Reporter Ingrid Newkirk calls on corporations to decrease their deforestation efforts and allow “beavers to do their own work and be the hardworking creatures they’re meant to be.”

“It’s devastating,” Newkirk continued. “We need to make these beavers stop slacking and help them pull themselves up by their webbed feet.”

A staunch beaver advocate, Newkirk knows beavers “lost their last battle,” and wants to “do right by them.”

“They lost a lot of work and opportunity when the construction of the Hoover Dam went forward without them,” said Newkirk. “That was definitely a low point, and they’ve been looking for a morale boost ever since.”

“I just cannot bear walking down a river and seeing a beaver suntanning or walking around or taking a nap,” Newkirk explained. “We need to nip this behavior in the bud and no longer let them think they can get their wood for free.”

At press time, Newkirk was seen denying her dog treats because “relying on handouts is unacceptable.”

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