Health-Conscious Bullies Announce Plans To Sanitize Toilets In Between Swirlies

The bullies also announced no wet willies will be administered without latex gloves.

Last Monday, several local STEM middle school bullies announced in a press conference new plans to sanitize school toilets in between swirlies as their way of practicing better health-consciousness.

“We recognize that swirlies may be considered detrimental to one’s health by some, and we agree that the rapid influx of toilet bacteria through both the nose and mouth can cause undue illness upon our targets,” commented bullying spokesman and seventh-grader, Thomas Bennen. “That’s why, effective immediately, we’ll be conducting only sanitary swirlies, and offering complete disinfection between individuals.”

“You like that, you little shrimp?” asked known bully Tanner Simon, shoving fellow student Rory Elliot’s head into the toilet bowl before taking a brief pause to spray and disinfect the surface. Simon offered Elliot a pump of hand sanitizer and a cleansing wipe before again dunking his head in as Bennen pressed the flush handle.

“It’s the twenty-first century, and bullying practices need to evolve with the times,” added Simon. “We’re also planning to require proof of vaccination before any given swirly, mandate masks at all times one’s face isn’t actively in the toilet water, and use only alternating stalls to maintain social distancing.”

At press time, school bullies were reportedly considering switching to a contactless method of stealing lunch money to minimize germ spread.

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