The Regents of the University of Michigan announced Sunday morning that they have “finally uncovered the truth behind the mysterious $10,000 purchases that were habitually charged to the UM executive credit card” from exotic and romantic hotels.
“I had always just assumed we were victims of credit card fraud,” remarked Regent Sarah Hubbard. “The finance coordinator kept asking us if we knew who was making these charges, because there’s only, like, ten people authorized to use this card. It wasn’t me, and I didn’t think it was any other regent either, so I assumed it was theft.”
“It never occurred to me that our endowment funding could be legally authorized to fund illicit affairs,” remarked Mark Bernstein, seen later shaking his head in disappointment. Bernstein later reported to another regent saying that he “felt like an idiot.”
Bank of America representative and fraud agent Brett Waters echoed the regent’s statements: “Initially, I automatically declined the charges as the customer advocate assigned to the Regents’ card. I assumed there was no chance of a legitimate need for an established university to book anything called a ‘Triple Super Steamy Oasis Escape For Two.’ Eventually, though, the charges were overridden with valid executive credentials, so perplexed as I was, I had to authorize them.”
“I knew it was Schlissel,” muttered Regent Ron Weiser under his breath. “But I just assumed that’s how he was persuading the donors.”