A recent national poll has revealed that approximately 78% of women believe using a Q-tip in your ear “feels significantly better” than vaginal sex.
The findings are based on a representative sample of women ages 18-29 who were asked to rank a series of activities from most to least pleasurable. “Massaging the inside of your ear canal with a little fuzzy Q-tip” earned the number one spot, while “penetrative intercourse” was ranked merely seventh on the list.
Q-tips, whose packaging includes the disclaimer “do not insert swab into ear canal,” are famous for being the only company to explicitly forbid consumers from using their product the way it was intended to be used.
Women were asked to explain their rankings in a post-survey questionnaire. “I can’t explain it,” wrote one of the subjects. “Something about refusing to use Q-tips as directed…it feels so…disobedient.” Another cited the “long, stiff shaft” and “soft head” of the Q-tip as part of the appeal of the product.
One anonymous woman reported that, after an unsatisfying sexual encounter, she often finds herself reaching into the drawer of her nightstand for her “trusty” Q-tip. “Once that cotton swab gets into my canal, there’s no stopping until I’ve finished,” said a woman from the survey. “And I’m not just talking about ear wax removal.”
The manufacturers of Q-tips could not be reached for comment, though sources say they are allegedly considering updating their disclaimer to read “Noooo don’t insert swab into ear canal, you’re so sexy ahaha.”