Reports from Heaven indicate that Saint Patrick is “absolutely pissed” he was never able to try the new Irish Margarita from the Brown Jug in his time on Earth.
The Apostle of Ireland reportedly spent his eponymous holiday pacing back and forth in the clouds grumbling about “missing out on that delicious green sin.”
“No way I would’ve reached sainthood if that was around in the fifth century,” said the hallowed patron saint on high. “Adam and Eve were tempted by the apple, but I think God would’ve given them a pass if they were tempted to sip that sweet, sweet mixture of green dye number 3 and tequila.”
“I would’ve been a great employee at Jug, honestly,” reported the Saint. “You think I did a good job driving the snakes out of Ireland? Imagine how well I could drive all the drunk kids out at closing.”
“Whenever I get a pitcher at Jug, I know it’s what Christ would have wanted,” reported freshman Mike DeNaris. “The fact it exists at all is honestly a miracle.”
God has reportedly instructed Saint Paul not to inform St. Patrick of the Shamrock Shake.