University Title IX Office Announces Plans To Fund New 20-Foot Gargoyles To Scare Away Sexual Predators

Four gargoyles photoshopped on University of Michigan's Ross School of Business
The initiative has inspired DPSS to install stocks on the Diag for the public humiliation of bicycle thieves.

University of Michigan Title IX Office Representatives announced in a press conference last weekend their new “Traditional Solutions for Modern Problems” strategy, which entails erecting giant gargoyles to scare away would-be sexual predators on campus amidst a series of purported institutional failures and student outrage.

“We’ve heard your calls for a more robust, accountable, and survivor-centered approach to sexual violence in our community. That starts now,” remarked one coordinator Sally Wayne. “We asked ourselves the tough questions, such as, ‘How can we do something big and flashy without any actual organizational change?’ and ‘What’s expensive enough to draw attention without being expensive enough to draw vital funding away from programs that give money to the adminsitration?’”

The gargoyles, which will range in height from 18 to 24 feet and will depict an architectural variety of Medieval and Gothic stone creatures, which will be stationed outside of most campus buildings. “These creepy guys are gonna be so scary, you won’t believe it. Predators are gonna take one look at them guarding our buildings and think ‘uh-oh, not gonna get near this University building today!’ I hope that our students feel safer with these extra defenses,” Wayne added.

The initiative comes with a series of other University reforms encompassed in UM’s 2022 Sexual Misconduct Action Plan, including putting several large scarecrows in the Diag to frighten away even more sexual predators and owls at once.

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