Following an investigation into the pungent ammonia stench terrorizing the fifth floor of South Quad, it was discovered that Ross student and Manhattan native Tony Angelino evidently urinated into his humidifier in order to create an aroma “reminiscent of home”.
“The pristine streets of Ann Arbor cannot satisfy my need to waft the sweet odors of New York sewage,” stated Angelino in a statement to DPSS. “So I took matters into my own hands and DIY’d my own special scent diffuser”.
“My friends have always said that South Quad is kind of an overcrowded, borderline unlivable hellscape, just like New York,” said fellow resident at South Quad, Jim Jonason. “I’ve never seen that disgusting Italian schmuck drink a glass of water, so I’m not surprised that a little bit of his rancid kidney tea really took the New York comparison level to a new high.”
While many freshmen have fled the premises in search of fresh air and a piss- free shelter, fellow New York native students have been drawn to the fifth floor. This mass migration is likely, according to U-M housing, “the result of a subconscious attraction to the scent, luring them to a more suitable habitat.”
At press time, Angelino was spotted “birthing a fat dump” into the South Quad furnace.
