Witnesses report 24 year-old Alicia Harris, known for neglecting her needs, going so far as to forget to drink water, recently declared to her parents over the phone, “I’m officially going to med school!”
“I’ve always wanted to serve others, and the choice feels easy,” said the chronically dehydrated caffeine addict. “I’ve thought about it for some time now, and I think I’m finally ready to commit.”
Reports confirm Harris made the decision to attend four years of medical school “with the stove left on behind her.” Harris’ friends and family have called her choice “ironic” yet “oddly appropriate for someone entering the medical field.”
“Alicia’s definitely got issues. Earlier this morning she just sent me eighteen texts because she forgot her lunch and needed me to bring it to her, or else she would pass out. But it kind of feels right, you know? Part of me wouldn’t want a doctor who isn’t dedicated to the point of self-sabotage,” said Alicia’s older sister Emma Harris.
“Future doctor, my ass,” said Harris’ roommate, Stanley Gardner. “I’ve seen Alicia live on coffee and breadsticks for weeks and carry underwear in her bra. Just last night, she got so drunk she tried to hook up with the coffee table. This bitch wants to keep others alive? We’ll have to wait and see if she can keep herself alive.”
Harris was later seen receiving acceptance letters from three top- ranked medical schools with over $300,000 total in total scholarship money.
