In a shocking turn of events, it was uncovered that, despite being able to get into the University of Michigan, many students are unable to “get their own piss into the toilet.”
“It’s genuinely quite alarming,” said Francis Arthur, professor of Waste Management at the University. “Students spend all this time and effort developing the knowledge or skills needed to get into [Michigan], yet never develop the skills to get their own urine into the toilet when going to the bathroom.”
Arthur was reportedly “confused” about the dichotomy in how students will “master the mechanics of how an object moves through a fluid, but can’t manage to master getting their fluid into an object other than the floor.”
Head of the University Board of Janitors Samantha Walters echoed a similar sentiment to Arthur’s.
“The student body at Michigan is said to compose of the ‘leaders and best,’ but it seems the only thing they are truly best at is missing the fucking toilet bowl,” said Walters.
“The Michigan difference is all about giving it your all and making sure that you leave the world a better place than what you found it,” said junior Richard Fingers. However, when asked if this extended to the student’s treatment of the bathroom, Fingers declined to comment.
At press time, Fingers was seen entering the bathroom spraying like a loose firehose.
