UMMA Cafe Designated LGBT Historical Landmark Equivalent To Stonewall Inn

Interior of University of Michigan Museum of Art Cafe
The colorful cafe was lauded as a haven for “challenging heteronormativity” and “devouring macaroons.”

The Spectrum Center announced on Monday that the UMMA Cafe, the small coffee bar housed inside the Michigan Museum of Art, has been designated an LGBT historical landmark by the Michigan Historical Society, saying it “equals or exceeds the significance of” the famous Stonewall Inn.

“Even Stonewall hasn’t contributed as much to queer history as the UMMA Cafe,” said Jenny Wilders, spokesperson for the society. “I mean, riots are so 1969. Why throw bricks and punch cops when you could play Big Thief’s new single over surround- sound speakers?”

The Historical Society described the number of gay people employed at the Cafe as “statistically improbable” and cited the abundant display of pride flags and “sterile, vaguely artsy” atmosphere as cause for the designation.

Local historians have said that a student’s frequent patronship of the Cafe is allegedly a “gateway to misquoting ‘Stone Butch Blues’” and a “virtually infallible indicator” of whether or not the student will reference the Bechdel Test without having read “Dykes to Watch Out For.”

Madelyn Runner, LSA student and regular customer of the UMMA Cafe, called it a “queer space” and the “modern equivalent of a lesbian bar, but with no alcohol or committment to the working class.”

At press time, the UMMA Cafe was allegedly considering discounting purchases of iced lavender oat milk lattes as a gesture of “solidarity” and “in celebration of queer resistance.”

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