LSA Junior Alison Conwell made history as the first person on Mars after she was “sent into orbit” by a joke.
Conwell was reportedly launched into space by a message sent to her by her friend Josie Miller. “She replied ‘LMAO that send me into orbit,’” said Miller. “ A few hours later I hear that she’s on TV being interviewed because she’s the first person on Mars.”
A message was transmitted from Conwell on the surface of Mars, on which the atmosphere contains only about 0.13% oxygen. “Oh my god, I can’t breathe,” said Conwell. “Guys, when I tell you I’m wheezing right now.”
“We feel certain that things are going well with Conwell,” said NASA Flight Director Pam Marcus. “We did receive some messages from Conwell containing some concerning language such as “OMG I’M EVAPORATING,” but we’re confident that’s just how young adults talk these days.”
Mars has an average temperature of -81 degrees Fahrenheit and experiences daily radiation levels four times those of Earth. “I’m literally dying,” reported Conwell, standing in a crater on the red planet. “That genuinely killed me. I’m crying.”
At press time, NASA medical staff noticed a change in Conwell’s vitals that was attributed to Conwell “laughing her ass off.”