Despite claims to the contrary, a recent report by the FDA has indicated that the so-called “Impossible” Burger is “literally right there in front of you.”
“The clever marketing of ‘Impossible Foods’ has led many to believe that their imitation beef and chicken products lack the merits of existence,” said FDA director Robert Califf. “But if you take the Impossible Burger, for example, and look at it, you’ll see that it does, in fact, exist.”
Sources across the United States have indicated that after purchasing and preparing the substitute meat product, it can be seen by the naked eye, even in low lighting or on a foggy day.
“I don’t know who they think they’re fooling,” says Kyle Reader, who was seen purchasing the sandwich at a Burger King. “I opened my bag and peeled back the paper, and there it was, plain as day. It’s like they weren’t even trying to hide it.”
The report went on to say that almost 100% of Impossible Burgers were proven to exist using complex quantum mechanical analysis. It advised that the best way to judge the likelihood of the burger was to “just frickin’ look at it.”
An eagerly anticipated follow-up report from the FDA is expected to confirm that “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” is actually entirely plausible to most people.