Couple Claiming To Feel Paranormal Presence Don’t Realize They Are Too Boring To Haunt

Couple sitting in bed together
The couple has since invited the spirits they believed to have encountered to their historical bed and breakfast in Springfield, Illinois.

A recently-married couple’s reports of paranormal encounters at the allegedly-haunted Johnston Inn in Columbus, Ohio have recently been debunked by staff and guests alike, who insisted “no ghost would spend such precious time haunting such an unexciting pair.”

During their stay, newlyweds Dan and Melissa Palmer reported hearing “odd noises” throughout the night and felt “as if they were being watched.” “I always felt deeply unsettled,” said Mrs. Palmer. “There seemed to be a dark energy coming from our bedroom mirror, and at one point, during my nightly knitting, I even saw a shadowy figure in the doorway.”

Head housekeeper Megan Loreal cast doubt upon Mrs. Palmer’s account, noting, “If I were a ghost, I wouldn’t waste my time on those two. I mean, for their honeymoon, they picked Ohio of all places.”

“Well, first we spent our morning at the Ohio History Center,” said Mr. Palmer of the couple’s itinerary. “Afterward, we had a couples badminton tournament, and then a 5-hour marathon of expert bird-watching footage as a treat once we got back to the hotel.”

“In no circumstance would any of us waste an ounce of our ectoplasm on that flavorless twosome,” admitted poltergeist Sir. Anthony Young, speaking as an ambassador for Johnston Inn’s COG (Collective of Ghosts). “We do it for the thrill of the haunt, and those Palmers bring absolutely nothing to the table.”

Disembodied cheering reportedly filled the halls of the hotel on Monday as the Palmers checked out, and the NGKAD (National Group for Kids Afraid of the Dark) checked in for their yearly conference.

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