Sources confirmed Tuesday that King Charles III, recent ascendant to the British throne and a product of over 900 years of inbreeding, incestuous arranged marriage, and familial arranged courtships is “absolutely stumped” as to why his fingers look like that.
Charles’ visibly-swollen fingers, described by some as “hot dog-like in shape and color, bratwurst-like in size, and frankly, too frightening for children to behold” remain a medical mystery to the scientific community.
“I just cannot for the life of me understand why His Majesty’s hands would be so utterly incapable of wearing a ring without looking like Jennifer Lopez’ hourglass-shaped abdomen,” remarked notable British doctor Henry Loughlin. “It’s completely befuddling. Did his mother marry her own third cousin, following hundreds of years of ancestors before her marrying members of their own families? Sure, but I couldn’t fathom how that might be relevant.”
Loughlin joins a community of doctors unsure of King Charles’ finger condition. Physicians have suggested culprits of Edema, high blood pressure, or a propensity to stick His Majesty’s hands into vacuums, but none have yet to publish a conviction with certainty.
At press time, Oscar Mayer was reportedly looking into potential branding deals with the royal family.