University Announces 500-Person Lectures With Required Attendance As Mass Inoculation Plan

Large lecture hall full of students
When students clicked on links to a list of pop-up vax clinics, they were directed to their own class schedules.

The University of Michigan announced on Monday its plans for mass inoculation of its students
and staff by holding 500-person lectures with required attendance, a decision that experts have called “another groundbreaking step in the field of public health and safety.”

“I think this is a step in the right direction,” said sophomore Denise Bizkin. “Nothing enhances my school experience more than being flat-on-my-ass sick the same week I’ve got two midterms and a paper due.”

“I really see this as a win for teachers’ rights,” says CHEM 130 professor Carl Beckinthal, who explained that mandatory attendance both lifts the workload of the teacher by “not having to spend tens of seconds uploading the recording to Canvas,” as well as exposing them to new avenues and ways of thinking, “because nothing fires your synapses more than your fight-or-flight response.”

“Our leaders and best can rest easy knowing that as hard as you’re trying to not get sick, Brady sitting one row behind you just went to Skeeps for the fourth night in a row, is coughing up a lung, and has only ever worn a mask to hide the fact he’s hitting his vape in lecture. Students and staff will be immunized in no time,” said interim President Mary Sue Coleman.

At press time, the University was considering an option to both combat the “frat flu” and improve sanitation across campus by having students volunteer to lick Mason Hall clean.

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