US Army Recruiter Promises Ability To Travel, Meet People, Kill Them

A man in an Army uniform sits, working at a computer.
Carlile is currently green lighting a new set of targeted ads for online males ages 16-24.

Local US Army Recruiter Jameson Carlile said he was “absolutely thrilled” to unveil a new marketing slogan straight from the Army’s Recruiting Command, which reads “Travel – Meet People – Kill Them – Army Strong ©”.

The poster is part of a new marketing campaign attempting to revitalize the Army’s recruiting mission after 20 years of failing to sign the targeted number of personnel, often falling thousands short of their goal.

“We’ve tried saturating superhero movies with military propaganda, we’ve tried Tik Toks, we’ve tried promising lucrative signing bonuses and debt annulment schemes. Nothing’s working,” Carlile said. In the face of low MCU viewership and low engagement with online army influencers, Command was forced to consider other options.

“As conventional techniques begin to fail, updating our recruiting methodology is critical to the future of the armed forces,” Carlile claimed, “Thanks to Joe Biden, we’ve lost the threat of crippling, six-figure collegiate debt, and patriotism just isn’t selling with the youth anymore.”

At press time, Recruiting Command was allegedly developing more language targeted toward Generation Z, including slogans such as “Be Your Own First Person Shooter,” “Serving Looks? Try Serving Your Country,” and “Yasss Slay (Innocent Foreign Nationals).”

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