FDA Warns Americans Not To Eat Thing They Weren’t Going To Eat, But Definitely Might Now

Chicken breasts marinating in nyquil.
The guidelines allegedly made that thing “way too tempting.”

The FDA released a statement over the weekend warning Americans not to eat chunks of spray foam, an action that most citizens “hadn’t thought about eating before, but now that [the FDA] mentioned it, sounds kind of tasty.”

The FDA made the statement in response to the “epidemic” of “at least two” untagged TikToks featuring Americans carving up spray foam with a fork and knife.

“These videos had more than four dozen views at time of writing,” said FDA director Carlos Sanderson in a press conference on Monday. “We knew we had to protect our teens from this dangerous social media trend by issuing a widely publicized national warning statement that explains in explicit detail exactly what not to do.”

“I like to take these do-not-eat warnings as a tasting plate of suggestions,” said teen Jameson Rivers, last seen spooning a Tide Pod into his mouth. “Honestly, I had never considered cooking chicken in NyQuil, but when I heard the FDA issued a warning, I knew I had to try it. Who can say no to that delicious turquoise sear?”

At press time, the FDA was considering issuing a warning against drinking house paint like a milkshake, something they admit “no one has actually done yet, but c’mon, don’t pretend you haven’t at least thought about it.”

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