Following a recent night out, reports have emerged that area woman Sydney Clearwater regularly behaves the “least appropriately” among her friends, despite never consuming alcohol.
“I just don’t need to drink to have a good time,” claimed Clearwater, who had to be reined in by her intoxicated friends last night for trying to steal various home decorations and kitchen supplies at a party. “I just prefer to stay clear-headed and in control.”
“We used to be friends, up until she destroyed my kitchen table by climbing on top of it,” said Clearwater’s former roommate, Riley King. After chugging an Arnold Palmer, Clearwater allegedly spent the rest of that evening crying and venting about her relationship with her father.
“Look, we really shouldn’t invite her out anymore,” said Vish Agarwal, a friend of Clearwater, “We need a designated driver though, and she’s our best option.” Clearwater recently managed to spill the entirety of a non-alcoholic beer across Agarwal’s lap just 20 minutes after arriving at a bar.
At press time, Clearwater was seen wearing a coat that did not belong to her the day before.
