Judgment Free Gym Offering Free Judgment

A man wearing a grey shirt lifts at a squat rack.
“Come as you are!” read the gym’s advertisements featuring only jacked men and slender women.

Area man Jim Gaines was thrilled to discover last Monday morning that his local “Judgment Free Gym” was reportedly offering free judgment.

According to sources, Gaines’ gym, “Getness Fitness,” despite recent efforts to put forth many body-positive ads, seemed only welcoming to abs-owning muscle men.

“I was looking for a gym where I could fit in,” Gaines weighed in, “but with so many jacked dudes in here, I feel like I just stand out.”

Gaines’ excitement upon starting his first day at Getness Fitness for a low fee of $10/month soon faded as he found out about the free stares from stone-cold bodybuilders included with his membership. With a “rather heavy heart” Gaines discovered underneath the pump covers, “the icy pain of their intimidating tactics, flexing and flaunts, and psychotic taunts.”

In the midst of these aching accusations, Getness Fitness owner Felix Trainor exercised great concern, also commenting on the pressing matter. “I want to assure everybody that we’re pumped to let folks of all shapes and sizes in our facilities,” Trainor assured at (bench) press time.

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