SoulCycle Announces 2023 Resolution To Keep Poor People Fat

Two people sit outside a Soulcycle on a bench
“We just think those with less material wealth don’t deserve spiritual wealth, either,” said a SoulCycle representative.

As the New Year season of self-improvement kicks off, upscale workout chain SoulCycle has raised their prices in a move described as “making sure only the richest among us can afford to be skinny.”

In an effort to “support the not-so-little little guy,” SoulCycle has announced that “it’s okay to be your most authentic self— even if that authentic self is broke and can’t afford to stationary cycle themselves into ultimate beauty.”

“We want everyone in the Soul Fam to embrace themselves, even if our arms aren’t long enough to wrap around them!” stated a representative from the Equinox Group. “By hiking up the fees, we’re allowing the penny-pinchers to feel their fullest and be their most well-rounded selves.”

“This partnership will not only alleviate the little problems of not being able to afford food but will also keep them insulated in these torturous winter months and all the months after that too,” said SoulCycle CEO Evelyn Webster.

Webster plans to double SoulCycle’s rates again in 2024 to reserve all of the money and size-small garments available for purchase for the top 1%.

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